Thursday, December 11, 2008

Kickin' It Old Skool '06

With props to our dancers, our shooter (!), and our faultless editor, Tiny Kit:

Monday, December 8, 2008

Name Change?

And no, for you cynical cats out there keeping track of my blog topics history, I am not suggesting we change our team name to Hello Chesty Athletic Club. At least not yet...

If someone were to hypothetically make that nomination, however, I might second it.

Monday's Blue Plate Fare: A Side of Chesticles

Q: Are you in for RTB, Version 2009.It'

A: Nice, now I have that awesome AC/DC song in my head. Count me in. I hope to drop the five minutes the team needed just from my legs alone. Let me know what kind of money I owe you. Thanks for coming out on Saturday. Sorry you missed out on the rest of the run. We kept a pretty consistent pace until we started heading back to Cambridge. Gaffer and I started throwing down all sorts of crazy shazamm in the final miles. He was complaining all the way.

Signed, Chesticles

Editor's Note: This representative e-mail from Chesticles begs the following commentary:

1. Yes, it is truly a wonderful AC/DC song.

2. When Chesticles refers to dropping 5 minutes, do you think he means from his time or does he intend to actually slice 5 minutes off of his legs?

3. Prompt payment is the preferred currency of HKAC.

4. You can bet the "shazamm" referred to in the final miles of Saturday's run included one turned ankle, one stranded runner, 3 miles erroneously estimated at 6:00 pace (7:30 actual), at least two miles at 5:50 pace, lots of surges, lots of Van Halen, some chafing-related blood, one hidden replenishment of Gatorade, and a whole lot of kvetching from Gaffer 2000.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Chesticles: Philly Not Good Enough For Joe Pesci...Or Me

The Philadelphia Marathon, and indeed, the City of Brotherly Love, lost its last living supporter on Sunday when HKAC's marathon leader Chesticles appeared to call it curtains on his Philly career.

Spitting nails at the finish, Chesticles questioned the race organizers' decision to place a steeple pit (partially frozen over) at mile 22. Furthermore, Chesticles was a vocal dissenter on the decision to keep no times this year, in what had been described as an 'I'm okay, you're okay, time is all relative anyway' approach to the competition.

Despite these setbacks, Chesticles was able to pump out a 2:54:02 on his own watch, no small feat considering that the man had been declared legally dead earlier this fall. "I mean, when he went into the toilet at RTB, I didn't think it was in the figurative sense at all, man," remarked Gaffer 2000. "I really thought he was dead. Mmm'kay, man?"

For his part, the eternal flame himself weighed in: "To paraphrase my friend Leo Getz in Lethal Weapon 2, 'They f@!k you at Philly! They f%^k you at Philly!' Oh, and f#$k Stallone and the Eagles too. Okay okay okay okay okay okay."
With that, the HKAC marathon season abruptly ends.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Gaffer 2000 Possibly Outraged by Hugglesworth’s Research Breakthrough

Gaffer 2000’s reaction to the news that Hugglesworth had cracked the mystery of cloning a mutant distance runner to replace him for the 2009 RTB could not have been more expected.

Found lying filthy, naked and drunk on a bench in a local Roxbury park he initially responded, “What? YOU again?! No, I will NOT MARRY YOU MR. ROBOT!...Uraaaagh!”

After several cups of coffee and three cigarettes subdued the bout of vomiting he added, “Oh, yes, THAT. I have literally hundreds of jars of research stored on my closet shelf! I have a mullet and wear a kilt! You’re telling me that Hugglesworth was able to figure out how to make one before ME?!”

The interview then came to an abrupt end after Gaffer 2000 leapt off the bench and began singing “Like a Virgin” while simultaneously spinning in place and relieving his bowels like some sort of futuristic farming equipment.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Newest Member?

News Flash!!!
Recently Announced by the Assistant to the Assistant to the Team Captain of Team Spirit, Christopher St. Huggins has gone ahead and filled any open spots on next years team (that means you Knapp) with a one armed (don't worry, that's just the imaging), thick brow'd, giant headed Cromagnon Alien baby.
Quote Huggins: "I really felt that team needed to focus on building up our farm system."
In response Anders "The Capt'n" Peterson was quoted thusly, "That things already got those Molly/Truddy hamsticks for legs. Is it giving me the bird with it's middle toe?"
WeeHuggins was unavailable for comment per his/her recent recruitment but did offer some strange swimming motions, and an umbilical wiggle for all the fans to see.
"Gosh, it's sure gonna be nice not to be the youngest on the team anymore." We could hear Truddy McBedpan mumble in the background of the news conference. "Maybe I can finally get me a nice bite of Broccoli RAAABE when I get out of here." "It's pronounced RAHBE, like AH, you tard." An irate Brendan Callahan was heard to say after being slighted at a recent post NYC Marathon Sports Illustrated Interview. "I don't care who Huggins thinks he's gettin' on this team." BC shouted at reporters. "I've got a contract. A CONTRACT!!! He can't cut me!"
Word around the campfire is that WeeHug will be present at winter training camp for some serious shake down and a chance to get used to the majors.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

HKAC - This Is Your Life!

Some highly questionable decisions by the RTB Photo Staff.  There must be more of them out there.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Broccoli Rabe

A Good Citizen is a Well Read Citizen

Dear Glastonbury Snitizen,

Absent from your recent piece on Brandon Kowloon's performance at the NYC Marathon, as reported by DCC/South G beat reporter Wookie, were the following items of crucial information.

1. Kowloon's proclamation that his race "strategery" arose from the maniacal pursuit tactics of the Jamaican bus driver who ferried he and other "sub-elite" runners to the starting line is patently false. Historical archives will bear out, again, that Kowloon's success lies deep in the running mills of South G. According to HKAC historian Rupples, "He'd come in 1 on 3, and I'd just stone him. Do a little dance, make a little glove. You know. Anyway, then we'd send it back down the river for him to chase. Practice? We talkin' bout practice. That's right."

2. Kowloon was in fact not sanctioned to compete at New York. Through an administrative oversight, Kowloon failed to receive written permishen ("he didn't make his mark huh huh") frum Gaffer 2000 and C.H. Hugglesworth prier 2 competishen. Why iz migh hand riteing starting 2 supher? Anyway, it seems that this failure to comply has landed Kowloon in Kitty Kourt. Typical punishment for such an offense is perpetual renewal of the offender's contractual services to the team, something that HKAC lawyers will be sure to communicate to any potential organization trying to encourage Kowloon to go pro under their name.

3. The final nasty underside of "Kowloon: Beyond the Glory" reveals itself here. In post-race interviews, Kowloon, seemingly in a drunken stupor, jealously tries to shake the camera away from Truddy McBedpan and onto himself. Truddy, looking quite pert in the video footage, was asked about Kowloon's taste for the limelight. "I can't help that the camera likes a little meat on the thighs! Goddamnit!"

So there you have it, Snitizen. Tell your reporters to get their facts straight next time before trying to prop up some local hero.



Editor's note:

Below is the text of the story originally reported to the Snitizen.

Hello Snitizen, I am writing to let you know about the performance of South Glastonbury native Brandon Kowloon at the New York City Marathon on Sunday, November 2, 2008. Brandon, a 1999 graduate of GHS, and subsequent graduate of The College of Wooster (it's in Ohio) and UCONN's Neag School of Education, finished 27th in a time of 2:23:25. His pace was 5:28 per mile. His performance is notable for several reasons. Brandon finished ahead of several elite, professional runners, including Nate Jenkins, who finished 7th at the most recent US Olympic Trials marathon. He also finished ahead of Paula Radcliffe, the defending women's champion and a world-class marathoner. Brandon was the 15th American to finish at New York. Brandon teaches history in the Hartford Public Schools. Attached please find a photo of Brandon finishing the Reach the Beach Relay earlier this fall. Thank you. Sincerely, Wookie

Friday, October 31, 2008

A Tale of Two Kittys

What conclusions might we draw from this photo?

A. The rare moment when Chesticles is captured getting a word in edgewise on Garcon.

B. The coming holy hell of the literal and figurative storm about to be unleashed on HKAC.

C. The foundational brick laying of a solid marathon plan.

Even though "B" is the right answer and will forever be the right answer re: all things Kitty, due credit is to be given Garcon, for dropping a scintillating 2:56:45 PR at Cape Cod, and to Chesticles, for helping him get there. At first blush, Chesticles' method of concentrating all weekly mileage into one orgasmic long run seemed counter to Garcon's steady and progressive summer and fall months of training. The same can be said for Chesticles' emotional, rock and roll, overpass-fueled training run surges in contrast to Garcon's take-it-out-hard-and-keep-it-hard approach. Chaffmaster chafed, "Will they really be compatible?"

We have our answer. Chesticles hopped in at mile 2, was steady and encouraging, and in return was so taken by Garcon's consistency over the hills, he decided to reward himself and everyone by running the full final 24.2 miles. Carson himself credits Chesticles' in-race smoothness as one of the reasons for that lightning quick final 5k, culminating in a 6:20 final mile. Congratulations all around.

Point being, I think we've all learned something here. Kowloon, Gaffer 2000 wants it to be known that he will be furnishing this same succor to you at NYC this weekend. "Heh Heh Heh. Sure, I can whip his butt into shape. What'd ya say we're doing again?" queried a softer, more nurturing and nuanced Gaffer 2000.

We should all be so lucky.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

which is more offensive: those thunder thighs or that uniform

As an automatic Kitty Kourt procedure, Truddy McBedpan was issued three demerits this week for appearing in competion out of uniform at the Brooklyn Half-Marathon. McBedpan finished 5th in 1:12:34. Team lawyers are weighing options on how to proceed against Brooklyn Road Runners, though they have been busy filing claims for HKAC's rightful share of the $700M government buyout as well as fending off cease and desist orders from Sanrio Corp. Said team CFO Anders Peterson, in a press release announcing McBedpan's demerits, "the downturn touches everyone, including HKAC. Our numbers this quarter were down. With our revenue stream having dried up in September on account of subpar performances across the board, we don't have much of a cushion to absorb the shock of some poor decisions we may have made over the last several years." This last was seen as a veiled reference to HKAC's zero-down policy that led to a series of predictable defaults, most notably by Jason "I'm good for it" Laine. " HKAC board member Mark Knapp shared his frustration: "Bedpan knows we've been trying to increase our exposure in the New York market. This could have been big. Lord knows we could use a break." Knapp did admit to one positive turn, as McBedpan was reported to have passed almost all of his post-race drug tests. "That helps," said Knapp, "another drug scandal at this point really could sink us."

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Kowloon Once Again Upstaged By the Craziness of Chesticles

Wollaston Beach - In an apparent murder/suicide plot gone bad, Chesticles yet again nearly brought his own life and those of his teammates to an end over the weekend. While emerging details are sketchy at best, it seems that precisely when Brandon Kowloon was en route to a 1:07:12 (5:08s!) half in Hartford on Sunday, Chesticles was ladeling out his trademark heavy dose of scurrying cyanide.

In his wake, over the span of some 23 miles at a blistering clip estimated to be between 5:50 and 8:30 pace, Chesticles scattered Garcon, heretofore believed to be the Kittys' most pleasant surprise of the fall running season. Instead, now, Garcon has become the man whose daily quality effort has been co-opted by the Seven Seas of Chesticles into running a marathon every single day of his life. Alas, his poor little ticker gave out at the 22.95 mile mark. "Now that's a quality effort," summed Chesticles.

Much further back, in a pile of rubble not to be confused with a Flemmi/Bulger sculpture at UMASS Boston, lie a pair of spent harriers. Hey Bear was birthing it right along until the climax at Wollaston Beach. Early prognosis is sore hips; DL estimate is 6-6 1/2 years. Alongside the petered-out Bear rests the Wookie, who, in a valiant effort to run interference at the front in hopes of controlling the pace, literally burst into flames. "He looked good today," remarked Chesticles.

Visited by reporters at the finish line of his PR half, Kowloon, when asked to comment on Chesticles' ability to run a hard 23 on only 19 miles of weekly training, said, "Well, you's like made a good run but I run too slow, they overtake me down in Jericho."

Chesticles, meanwhile, despite being in full cardiac arrest (really, since the afforementioned Wollaston), regaled the growing crowd with stories of his carefully chosen route, equal parts history and pain, through Port Norfolk, up into Milton, racing back along the shore, to his own personal chamber of torture - the Quincy/Dorchester nasty concrete overpass. "They really never see it coming," chuckled Chesticles, who added, "I even gave them each an extra goo and pee-infused Gatorade from my special hobo stash."

Indeed, the Kittys' war of running attrition heats up as Cape Cod, New York, and Philly lie in wait in the coming weeks.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Wikipedia: Reach the Beach Relay

Found by Yoda, check out the results section in particular:

Reach the Beach Relay

The Reach The Beach Relay is a long distance relay race that is run through the picturesque hills and valleys of New Hampshire at the start of foliage season. It is the longest running relay race in the North America at approximately 204 miles, starting from Cannon Mountain and ending at Hampton Beach.

The race is currently capped at 350 teams (increased from 300 in 2006) and has filled up for the last several years. Participating teams traditionally come from the New England area, but as the race grows more and more teams are signing up from around the country and the world.



[edit] History

The relay was started in 1999 by two multisport athletes who wished to bring a multi-day, relay-style race to New England. It is modelled after the grandfather of running relay races, the Hood to Coast relay in Oregon. The first year enjoyed participation by 31 teams, with the first team finishing in 23 hours and the last team in 32. By 2007, there were 351 finishers, and the race size was capped at 350. It sold out on June 14, 2007. In 2008, the race sold out on April 8.

[edit] Course

Each year the course undergoes some minor changes and as such the total distance has increased from around 198 miles to around 210 miles. It is segmented into 36 legs, and is run primarily by 12-person teams. The starts are staggered, starting at 7:30 and ending at 3:00, with the faster teams (based on their applications and history) starting latest. Each team will run their roster three complete rotations when the race is complete, so the runner in position one runs leg 1, 13, and 25, runner in position two runs leg 2, 14, and 26, and so on. Twelve-person teams use 2 vans, with one van eating and resting (and trying to sleep) while the other van is running its legs. Teams of fewer than 12 are permitted to race, but they must maintain their order. For instance, on an 11-person team the first three runners will have to run four legs each. A team with six or fewer runners is called an Ultra. If a runner is injured during the race and cannot continue, the subsequent runners move down one slot.

Individual legs vary in distance from 2.5 miles to 9.3 miles and total distances for runners varies from 13.9 miles to 22.5 miles. The first eight legs changed dramatically in 2007 when the start was moved from Bretton Woods to Cannon Mountain, requiring runners to run the significant uphills and downhills of the famous Kancamagus Highway. It was a one year appearance, however. In 2008 the race course was rerouted north along Interstate 93 to Beaver Brook Wayside Rest Area, which is the starting location of the first two Reach the Beach Relays (1999 and 2000). The new course also passes Bretton Woods Mountain Resort where the race started in the years 2001 through 2006 and included a 5K run up and down the ski slopes.

[edit] Results

In 2007, 351 teams finished, with Hello Kitty repeating as champion in a time of 21:12:30 (averaging 6:10 per mile). The 351st team finished in 34:14:47 (after being assessed a 1 hour penalty for vehicle support). 2007 Results

In 2008, a record 356 teams finished. An exciting race for the title developed between defending champion Hello Kitty AC and New Balance Boston, made even more dramatic by Hello Kitty AC losing one runner to injury and New Balance Boston losing two to injury. In the end, New Balance Boston dethroned the repeat champions by a mere 6 minutes with a time of 21:29:34 (6:10 per mile average). The 356th team, Team Brainlab, finished in 35:11:54 (10:05 per mile average). 2008 Results

[edit] Weather

The race is run on a Friday and Saturday in the middle of September, which generally means cool but comfortable running weather. But with New England weather, one needs to be prepared for extremes. The most feared weather system by the participants is the hurricane. While technically a hurricane has never rolled through New Hampshire on race day, the remnants of three hurricanes (or what felt like hurricanes) were felt in past years.

  • Hurricane Isidore in 2002
  • Hurricane Ivan in 2004
  • Some would argue Hurricane Ophelia in 2005 but a review of the weather maps show that it was just plain old rain that drenched the course

In 2007, the weather was cool and rain fell on runners off-and-on from about 12:30 on Saturday morning until early late Saturday morning.

[edit] External links

Monday, September 29, 2008

Lobster is to sausage as Kowloon is to...

Last weekend we were waiting in the customary long line at Red's Eats in Wiscasset, Maine, for a chance to try one of their lobster rolls (more than one whole lobster in each roll!) I heard the folks behind us talking about RTB. Turns out the wife ran for The Bettys and the husband for the SextupWamps. Pretty cool, I thought, what are the odds?

Well, what are the odds of this: the reason that Betty and Sextup were talking was because the woman directly behind them was wearing an RTB jacket - '08 model - meaning that we had THREE groups and FOUR runners right in a row.

Come on, it's pretty good.

Hey Trude, you gotta drool more.

New York Road Runners Marathon Tune Up
9.28.08, 167% humidity
Kowloon - 3rd, 1:39:01, 5:30
Hey Trude - 5th, 1:46:20, 5:54

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Kitties from an outside source/herding cats

Joel, from the RTB team 'Kicking Asphalt', captured these images of HKAC. The link above (click on the post title) has all of his photos from RTB 2008. From looking at these photos we can see that kitties stand at attention well, sometimes we are blissed out and other times it's like herding cats.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

looks like we found trudy's 30 seconds

look at him.
so relaxed he was catching up on the week's news

I sleep diagonal in my bed?

I share the above photo with you, and will let you draw your own conclusions about the state of HKAC 2008. (We are currently in search of a Rupples-ized finish line shot.) I also share this photo with you, which I believe sums up our race expertly:

That's all I have to say about that.
Finally, this team member awoke at 3:00 AM on Monday morning to find himself positioned with head at the foot and feet at the head of the bed...diagonal. The diagonal thrust is what awakened Sausage McRowley, who in turn woke me up. "Wha happun?" I asked in post-RTB stupor. I am still looking for answers.
Please share your RTB queries and quandries, such as: did Gaffer 2000 actually show up at work with his Kentucky Mudflap on Monday?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Kitties land on their feet, right?

HKAC can certainly learn a few pointers from its young and resilient fan base.  Despite an unexpected and disappointing 323rd place in the RTB '08 van decorating competition, this fan would specifically like to remind the team what brought them to the top of the heap in the first place.  Namely, the shameless willingness to flaunt the fleecy, pink attire - it was a risky move, but it has never failed to bring laughter and joy to the sweaty, salty harriers of RTB.  Thus, dress warmly and remember that kitties always land on their feet, in fact, kitties have no need for new balance.

Hoisted by your own petard

Petard    pe·tard

1. an explosive device formerly used in warfare to blow in a door or gate, form a breach in a wall, etc.
2. a kind of firecracker.
3. hoist by or with one's own petard, hurt, ruined, or destroyed by the very device or plot one had intended for another.

Word History:  In French, petard refers to "a loud discharge of intestinal gas."

Happy B-Day Gaffer 2000

Every year we forget and every year we'd rather forget that RTB is Gaffer 2000's memorial date of birth. It's not really anything to celebrate, just like the yearly arrival into Hampton Beach, the yearly recognition of the birth of one of the most questionable members of the Hello Kitty Athletic Club is, at best, something to just get past. But, seeing as that Beachtember is a time of giving, we the members of HKAC would like to wish the very best to our very own "little petard" and remind all of our members to.... "YOU JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH! SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!"  

Chunnel Cakes

Congrats on being the first losers kitty nation.  The only positive to come out of the weekend was due to the combined genius of the kitty.  In the sleepy hours of the morning, with coffee and food on the mind, Brendo made the first move in bringing on WWIII between France and the British.  The use of english muffins for french toast will forever be know as Chunnel Cakes.  The artful Sam-A, who can be credited with the name, commented that, "With France and England out the way, I see no limit to Kitty proliferation."  The sale of Chunnel cakes are already projected to surpass the $5 mark by Sunday at 10am.  With funding for next years RTB clear, let us hope that the kitties can actually train this year, sack up, and WIN.