Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Chesticles' Hunger Strike Enters Danger Zone

In what was initially thought to be some lighthearted bellyaching over the team forgetting Gaffer 2000's birthday, again, Chesticles today confirmed that the ache in his belly is for realz. 

"Don't get me wrong - I'm mad as hell about Gaffer's birthday too," acknowledged a gaunt Chesticles, "but this really stems from no one being there to receive the baton when I finished my first leg at RTB this weekend.  And so I've gone on a hunger strike in protest."  When reminded, again, that the team made a data-driven strategic shift to 100on100 this year, Chesticles balked. 

"I didn't see that in USA Today.  So I just don't know.  You guys are always hassling me about being there for a good exchange but no one showed!  I waited 30 seconds before I decided to complete the next guy - I think it was Hildy's - leg.  That could only continue like 11 or 12 times before I had to stop and take a break." 

Confronted by the nutritionist C.H. Hugglesworth with results that he's now dropped over 45 pounds in the last two years, Chesticles did admit that performance issues are a consideration in the strike. 

"I'd be lying if I didn't admit that the times keep going down," mused the rawboned harrier.  "I figure if perpetual injury has been my calling card, well then I'd just take myself out of the equation.  See, if there's hardly any of me, then I can't get hurt." 

When asked what it would take for him to end the hunger strike, the ever-diminishing Chesticles had this to say, "I just want some Kitty to be there to grab the stick next Beachtember."