Thursday, October 1, 2015

Kitty Jaunt (Patent Pending)

OLD WETHERSFIELD - "What idiots."  That sentiment sums up much about Saturday's Kitty Jaunt from Falls Village to Colebrook's West Branch Reservoir, as well as the state of affairs generally with the Hello Kitty Athletic Club in 2015, according to founding (silent) partner PK.
Chock full o merch.

While there were flashes of brilliance exhibited by the small and less-determined-than-we-used-to-be squad, there were also flashes of exhaust, fire, and deafening noise from the team's less-dependable-than-it-used-to-be Volvo chariot.  To wit: while approaching the classic, sleepy center of one of Connecticut's oldest towns, the Kitty car sounded as if it was exploding.  "Tough way to start the morning,  Jesus." said Crocky McDingle, owner of the Old Town Cafe. "I woke up to that god awful racket.  Thought last night's belly dancers had somehow gotten back inside with their rhaita flutes." It turns out that what sounded and looked like the Volvo on its way to becoming the Wethersfield Cove's newest mooring was just a loose spark plug.  Easy.  The key takeaway: auto mechanics do not judge sash-clad pseudo-hipsters with clean fingernails.  They don't!

Car trouble aside, HKAC-Petit was ready to begin its jaunt.  Well, after some lazing, a fistful of elephant ear pastries, some crack deucing, a little swimming, and a leisurely Sunday drive.  The harriers were: Madge, Brandon Kowloon, and the aforementioned silent partner PK.  "We are f*^ked for RTB 2016," said Madge, "and that's best case scenario."  Said Brandon Kowloon, mid-first leg, and looking bad: "I really hope this jaunt propels me into, you know, regular running."  While fitness for Roxbury remains elusive, eventually, the results came:

31 miles at 6:36 pace is a nice way to spend the crisp autumn day.  So too though is eating pastries.

Other key omens and highlights along the way:
Strong omen that Gaffer 2000 was inside us.  Like actually inside.

Kept at the ready should we need to cover up at the gas station.

Protective cloak of Kitty-at-the-bus-stop nighty allows 
PK to go from 0 miles to full relay mode in no time at all.

What idiots.

Lunch time: you and I call it another good omen;
Gaffer calls it outrageous crutchery copyright infringement.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

BI Tri Guys Try (Mostly Fail)

Today two Kittys, who shall remain nameless, mounted a challenge of the original BI tri course. Accompanied not by a chase boat, but rather by ziplock bags holding their shoes and duct taped to their suits, these hardy souls set off across the channel at Great Salt Pond (we left from the east side of the jetty, not the west, in a prudent move aimed at preventing washing out to sea, a legitimate concern). It was a quick and clean crossing - they did not even get hooked by the bewildered and slightly cross fishermen, nor did they get nabbed by the Coasties.

Once ashore, they took their sweet ol' time putting the shoes on, in one of the longest transitions in triathlon history. At that point, the compass was set due north. Clip clopping along, they were not making good time but were discovering teams of Pequot Museum scientists looking for artifacts in the layered dunes, an urgent FEMA initiative. They also discovered that the transfer station is eroding into the sea, and that erosion in general is making this circumambulation more difficult than it was 15 years ago.

At north light they relished the 25 yards of smooth pavement in the parking lot. At that point, a curious decision was made. These boys here opted for the high road, taking Clayhead trail up onto the bluffs and into the Maze, leaving the rockiest 2+ miles of beach as a sweet view to be taken in from above. Like the prolonged transition, there is concern that sanctions or chiding on purity will come forth from Chesticles, but one of the Clydesdales was really struggling on the rocks. We hope the reader will take solace in knowing that the high road's zigs and zags must have lengthened the route.

Once back on the sand north of Mansion beach, they fell back into the steady rhythm of beach running - 1 step forward, 1/4 step back - and plowed on down into town. Their helmets locked securely away in the car back at Coast Guard beach, a quick sub-one-minute transition ensued. (It should be noted that another transition awaits, and it's not the one you think it is, and it was not pretty.)

Riding their well-tuned (read: untuned) machines - a 1978 Peugeot two sizes too big, a Ross prototype designed to withstand nuclear shock waves, and both equipped with potential goring ibert saddle posts - the cyclists ascended toward SE light. They took turns at the front like true pros - the fat guy led the downhills, the skinny guy the ups - all the way around to the southwest corner where Cooneymus meets West Side.

You may now be sensing the excitement of nearly being done, both with these Kittys' fantastic undertaking, and with this god awful email, but you would be wrong. Dead wrong. Well, they swung it down on Cooneymus, missing the turn on West Side. Deliberately so. And one said, "Hey, let's go pick up the wife and kids."

30 minutes later, shivering, hungry and now a team of two iberts, one trail-a-bike, and two eager but cantankerous if not thoroughly packed mom wifes, the nine wheeled caravan made the turn for home to Coast Guard Rd. The story ends with the slow moving group walking their bikes down the road to the beach. Thud. Total time: 2h 11m. Swim transition included; wife pick up not.

The post-mortem into why the hell we were so slow is still being investigated by the FEMA researchers, our children, and the waitress at the Oar. But we have the soggy toes, sand-filled socks, and sunburn to prove that the BI tri is still alive, and one damn tough and crazy race.


Reported by Brandon Kowloon and Madge

One Tri Guy, and childrens, loaded for bear.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Good Lord! Nearly a Year Has Passed Since the Last Post! Aaaaaaaahhhhhh Life is Killing Us!

C.H. Yarsawich prances HKAC across the line in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place, at the West Hartford Relay, September 2013.
 
video
C.H. Hugglesworth, attempting to run RTB rogue, didn't count on this late-night HKAC help...
 
 
Though we are nearing 3 years of absence, HKAC was featured in a Competitor Magazine article about RTB in November of 2013.
 
 


Monday, August 19, 2013

Kittys Shmear 100on100

Mission-aligned accommodations.
 
Breakfast of Athletic-Style Activity Participants (patent pending).
 
Professional compliance.
 
Harbingers of Shmear.
 

One of few done well.
 
Jailbirds.  Ladies in stripes also looking good.
 

Monday, July 29, 2013

Johnny Rocket: A Case of the Manchesters or Something More Sinister?

HAMPTON BEACH - Johnny Rocket, the Kittys' clear and chosen heir to the position of Assistant to the Team Captain of Ooh Yeah! -- now that the organ-eye-zation has secured its legal victory against the defrocked and recently cut C.H. Hugglesworth -- was a no-show at his own promotion banquet this evening at the Seaside Oceanview Shantytown Surf Inn. 

The Glistening Rocko had proven himself more than a capable husband to Gaffer 2000 over the past 18 months, dropping
scrumptious times, firing off correspondence that would make Kowloon blush, and showing ample thigh in his New Zealand splits all across the Greater Manchesters of New England.  So ubiquitous a presence was Rocko that a number of felines had privately consulted with Dover's Poet on travel plans and running routes, all amid an environment of mini-scandal with club attrition.  To wit, here's the deck of cards Rocko was dealt:
  • C.H. Hugglesworth - cut
  • Gaffer 2000 - cut (actual laceration)
  • Brandon Kowloon - cut
  • King Sammy - dog ate homework
  • Yars - cut
  • Princess Leia - cut
  • Trudy - living the dream doesn't include HKAC? = cut
  • Heed - cut
  • Chesto - employed the Kit Wellsian "I need to run at least 26.2 miles of the 100" defense
  • Keith from New Hampshire - won't return calls
Suffice it to say that HKAC was fortunate to hang onto the granite harrier - really, kissed by an angel to keep him on the squad.  The promotion was a no-brainer.  But after Monday night, that dream appears in serious jeopardy, with speculation of the motivations behind Rocko's absence spreading like wild yeast infections among Kittys of all dimensions.

"Welp, we are screwed," said Brandon Kowloon, himself just reinstated off the PUP list (NZ) this week.  "But let me get on the horn to the Manchester Chambers of Commerce - all 6 of 'em."

"I just love the way he glistens," added the Prof.  "He's so glisteny." 

"Shuffleboard," mused Hildo.  "I told Madge that, no, obviously, he had not put it behind him.  I just think Madge started taking him for granted." 

When reminded that he drove all the way to Hampton to celebrate Rocko's promotion, Hildo said, "Oh s!^t, now I'm stuck in Hampton and Gaffer and Jason Laine are nowhere to be found." 

For his part, Madge seemed resigned to Rocko's absence.  "He's been talking for years about putting together a sort of Calgary version of A Mighty Wind.  I'm sure he and Molly are gone.  Aw hell, what am I gonna do with 12 gross of these hologram patches with him riding Gaffer?"

Will the Kittys be running only 5 cats strong at 100on100?  Will Roquetta return lubed and ready to prance?  The Kittys will find out in three weeks' time. 

 

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

An Open Letter


Dear Committee Members:

As the most recent recipient of the H.K.A.C. Scholarship for International Outreach and Research, I am writing to express my deepest thanks to this body and to report back to you on my progress and findings. As you know, I spent the last nine months in New Zealand, charged with expanding the international H.K.A.C. fan-base and seeking opportunities for the betterment of H.K.A.C. I am proud to report several successes. While the language barrier presented a significant challenge to the task of recruiting new fans in New Zealand, I was able to identify one potential candidate. This Andrew Lyall Pointon shows great promise, and I would urge this body to move forward in building a relationship with him. Another task that absorbed a significant chunk of my time over this last year was research into new uniform materials and styles. After some trial and error, I feel confident that I was able to strike a significant discovery--a uniform appendage that holds great potential for H.K.A.C. As fan surveys continue to show diminishing excitement rates for our sashes, this 100% pure wool running poncho 
(pictured below)
appears as a perfect solution. In any event, I look forward to discussing these findings in greater detail during our mandatory team meetings in Boston, May 24-26.


With Great Appreciation and Esteem,

Brandon Kowloon



Monday, December 3, 2012

Gaffer 2000 Wins Race...but Chesto Wang is too good a name to leave off the title of the post

(Race winner Gaffer 2000 is viewed giving up the all-liquid diet while flanked by Patricia Cornhole, C.H. Hugglesworth, Madge, and King Sammy.  Missing from photo/still on course: Cadets Bumgurgler and Chesto Wang.)

If 2012 proves to be the year of demise for HKAC, there will be no shortage of reasons why.  Indeed, the world again seemed to tip on its head where Kittys are concerned; this time, the damage was done at the Three Bridges* Marathon in horse country Virginia. 

Per usual, the principals/best characters about which to write were Gaffer 2000 and Chesticles, though they appear in very different forms than we've ever seen them.  (Photo: Gaffer 2000 completes a critical piece of the pre-race liquid diet: nasal lavage.)

For his part, Gaffer won a race, ran a PR (2:52:58), and set the course record.  More impressively, Gaffer used a watch to take mile splits during his record-setting run.  When asked to explain his success, outside of only running once per week and walking "a sh^# ton of miles to the T," Gaffer reasoned, "It's clearly the all-liquid and candy diet.  As you know, I usually drink my dinner.  For the last week, I've been drinking my breakfast and lunch too.  Sierra Nevada in the morning.  Pina-go-lada at noontime.  And supplement it all with candy.  Or a cup or two of maple syrup.  Simple sugars, mmm'kay man!  You gotta eat right to run well!" 

Predictably, some Kittys cited Gaffer's other feats as their lasting memories of the weekend: his earnest description of his swollen gonads to Hugglesworth's mother and a pre-race jog that ended with Gaffer trying to clothe the Kittys' new recruit Patricia Cornhole in a fresh deer carcass.**  

(Below: HKAC newcomer Patricia Cornhole takes instruction from C.H. Hugglesworth on giving a proper Angel Kiss.)

On to Chesticles.  It comes as no surprise that he showed up unannounced at the marathon.  What we did not count on was that the Chesto in question would be a 22 year old VMI Marine named Chesto Wang.***  Wang did display key attributes in common with Chesticles: namely, being told you're not allowed to race but showing up anyway, improper race attire, and entering a marathon with no training.****

Other items of note:
  • C.H. Hugglesworth made sure to not run faster than 2:59:35 even though he was feeling great.  It turns out that Hugglesworth's estimate for the Predict Your Own Time Award was 2:59:59.  "Listen, was it it great to achieve a life goal of running sub-3:00 for a marathon?  I guess.  But what I really want is the damn merch from the award.  So shoot me for running a backwards zigzag for two miles.  God!"
  • King Sammy ran a great 20 mile trainer in the hills of Glastonbury in October.  That run went so well that Sammy decided to leave well enough alone and focus on other pursuits for the intervening 6 weeks leading up to the race.  The result was lots of extra free time and 3:15:13, just a few minutes shy of a PR. 
  • Madge completed the marathon in 3:12:00, without use of his trusty wetsuit or Rec Specs, and with minimal reference to his 1980s hockey heroes.  He cites his mustache for helping to pull him through the last mile. 
----------------
* C.H. Hugglesworth reported that he crossed 78 bridges between 7AM and 10AM, and was told each time: "Keep running, you fool!" 
** The crazy part is that this reporter's facts have been checked, and they hold up.
*** I swear his name is Chesto Wang.
**** TAFKA Chesticles shall henceforth be known as: Wang.

(King Sammy displays a team-best finishing kick
whilst Gaffer shows off new-found timepiece skills.)