Monday, November 24, 2008

Chesticles: Philly Not Good Enough For Joe Pesci...Or Me

The Philadelphia Marathon, and indeed, the City of Brotherly Love, lost its last living supporter on Sunday when HKAC's marathon leader Chesticles appeared to call it curtains on his Philly career.

Spitting nails at the finish, Chesticles questioned the race organizers' decision to place a steeple pit (partially frozen over) at mile 22. Furthermore, Chesticles was a vocal dissenter on the decision to keep no times this year, in what had been described as an 'I'm okay, you're okay, time is all relative anyway' approach to the competition.

Despite these setbacks, Chesticles was able to pump out a 2:54:02 on his own watch, no small feat considering that the man had been declared legally dead earlier this fall. "I mean, when he went into the toilet at RTB, I didn't think it was in the figurative sense at all, man," remarked Gaffer 2000. "I really thought he was dead. Mmm'kay, man?"

For his part, the eternal flame himself weighed in: "To paraphrase my friend Leo Getz in Lethal Weapon 2, 'They f@!k you at Philly! They f%^k you at Philly!' Oh, and f#$k Stallone and the Eagles too. Okay okay okay okay okay okay."
With that, the HKAC marathon season abruptly ends.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Gaffer 2000 Possibly Outraged by Hugglesworth’s Research Breakthrough

Gaffer 2000’s reaction to the news that Hugglesworth had cracked the mystery of cloning a mutant distance runner to replace him for the 2009 RTB could not have been more expected.

Found lying filthy, naked and drunk on a bench in a local Roxbury park he initially responded, “What? YOU again?! No, I will NOT MARRY YOU MR. ROBOT!...Uraaaagh!”

After several cups of coffee and three cigarettes subdued the bout of vomiting he added, “Oh, yes, THAT. I have literally hundreds of jars of research stored on my closet shelf! I have a mullet and wear a kilt! You’re telling me that Hugglesworth was able to figure out how to make one before ME?!”

The interview then came to an abrupt end after Gaffer 2000 leapt off the bench and began singing “Like a Virgin” while simultaneously spinning in place and relieving his bowels like some sort of futuristic farming equipment.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Newest Member?

News Flash!!!
Recently Announced by the Assistant to the Assistant to the Team Captain of Team Spirit, Christopher St. Huggins has gone ahead and filled any open spots on next years team (that means you Knapp) with a one armed (don't worry, that's just the imaging), thick brow'd, giant headed Cromagnon Alien baby.
Quote Huggins: "I really felt that team needed to focus on building up our farm system."
In response Anders "The Capt'n" Peterson was quoted thusly, "That things already got those Molly/Truddy hamsticks for legs. Is it giving me the bird with it's middle toe?"
WeeHuggins was unavailable for comment per his/her recent recruitment but did offer some strange swimming motions, and an umbilical wiggle for all the fans to see.
"Gosh, it's sure gonna be nice not to be the youngest on the team anymore." We could hear Truddy McBedpan mumble in the background of the news conference. "Maybe I can finally get me a nice bite of Broccoli RAAABE when I get out of here." "It's pronounced RAHBE, like AH, you tard." An irate Brendan Callahan was heard to say after being slighted at a recent post NYC Marathon Sports Illustrated Interview. "I don't care who Huggins thinks he's gettin' on this team." BC shouted at reporters. "I've got a contract. A CONTRACT!!! He can't cut me!"
Word around the campfire is that WeeHug will be present at winter training camp for some serious shake down and a chance to get used to the majors.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

HKAC - This Is Your Life!

Some highly questionable decisions by the RTB Photo Staff.  There must be more of them out there.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Broccoli Rabe

A Good Citizen is a Well Read Citizen

Dear Glastonbury Snitizen,

Absent from your recent piece on Brandon Kowloon's performance at the NYC Marathon, as reported by DCC/South G beat reporter Wookie, were the following items of crucial information.

1. Kowloon's proclamation that his race "strategery" arose from the maniacal pursuit tactics of the Jamaican bus driver who ferried he and other "sub-elite" runners to the starting line is patently false. Historical archives will bear out, again, that Kowloon's success lies deep in the running mills of South G. According to HKAC historian Rupples, "He'd come in 1 on 3, and I'd just stone him. Do a little dance, make a little glove. You know. Anyway, then we'd send it back down the river for him to chase. Practice? We talkin' bout practice. That's right."

2. Kowloon was in fact not sanctioned to compete at New York. Through an administrative oversight, Kowloon failed to receive written permishen ("he didn't make his mark huh huh") frum Gaffer 2000 and C.H. Hugglesworth prier 2 competishen. Why iz migh hand riteing starting 2 supher? Anyway, it seems that this failure to comply has landed Kowloon in Kitty Kourt. Typical punishment for such an offense is perpetual renewal of the offender's contractual services to the team, something that HKAC lawyers will be sure to communicate to any potential organization trying to encourage Kowloon to go pro under their name.

3. The final nasty underside of "Kowloon: Beyond the Glory" reveals itself here. In post-race interviews, Kowloon, seemingly in a drunken stupor, jealously tries to shake the camera away from Truddy McBedpan and onto himself. Truddy, looking quite pert in the video footage, was asked about Kowloon's taste for the limelight. "I can't help that the camera likes a little meat on the thighs! Goddamnit!"

So there you have it, Snitizen. Tell your reporters to get their facts straight next time before trying to prop up some local hero.



Editor's note:

Below is the text of the story originally reported to the Snitizen.

Hello Snitizen, I am writing to let you know about the performance of South Glastonbury native Brandon Kowloon at the New York City Marathon on Sunday, November 2, 2008. Brandon, a 1999 graduate of GHS, and subsequent graduate of The College of Wooster (it's in Ohio) and UCONN's Neag School of Education, finished 27th in a time of 2:23:25. His pace was 5:28 per mile. His performance is notable for several reasons. Brandon finished ahead of several elite, professional runners, including Nate Jenkins, who finished 7th at the most recent US Olympic Trials marathon. He also finished ahead of Paula Radcliffe, the defending women's champion and a world-class marathoner. Brandon was the 15th American to finish at New York. Brandon teaches history in the Hartford Public Schools. Attached please find a photo of Brandon finishing the Reach the Beach Relay earlier this fall. Thank you. Sincerely, Wookie