HAMPTON BEACH - Johnny Rocket, the Kittys' clear and chosen heir to the position of Assistant to the Team Captain of Ooh Yeah! -- now that the organ-eye-zation has secured its legal victory against the defrocked and recently cut C.H. Hugglesworth -- was a no-show at his own promotion banquet this evening at the Seaside Oceanview Shantytown Surf Inn.
The Glistening Rocko had proven himself more than a capable husband to Gaffer 2000 over the past 18 months, dropping
scrumptious times, firing off correspondence that would make Kowloon blush, and showing ample thigh in his New Zealand splits all across the Greater Manchesters of New England. So ubiquitous a presence was Rocko that a number of felines had privately consulted with Dover's Poet on travel plans and running routes, all amid an environment of mini-scandal with club attrition. To wit, here's the deck of cards Rocko was dealt:
C.H. Hugglesworth - cut
Gaffer 2000 - cut (actual laceration)
Brandon Kowloon - cut
King Sammy - dog ate homework
Yars - cut
Princess Leia - cut
Trudy - living the dream doesn't include HKAC? = cut
Heed - cut
Chesto - employed the Kit Wellsian "I need to run at least 26.2 miles of the 100" defense
Keith from New Hampshire - won't return calls
Suffice it to say that HKAC was fortunate to hang onto the granite harrier - really, kissed by an angel to keep him on the squad. The promotion was a no-brainer. But after Monday night, that dream appears in serious jeopardy, with speculation of the motivations behind Rocko's absence spreading like wild yeast infections among Kittys of all dimensions.
"Welp, we are screwed," said Brandon Kowloon, himself just reinstated off the PUP list (NZ) this week. "But let me get on the horn to the Manchester Chambers of Commerce - all 6 of 'em."
"I just love the way he glistens," added the Prof. "He's so glisteny."
"Shuffleboard," mused Hildo. "I told Madge that, no, obviously, he had not put it behind him. I just think Madge started taking him for granted."
When reminded that he drove all the way to Hampton to celebrate Rocko's promotion, Hildo said, "Oh s!^t, now I'm stuck in Hampton and Gaffer and Jason Laine are nowhere to be found."
For his part, Madge seemed resigned to Rocko's absence. "He's been talking for years about putting together a sort of Calgary version of A Mighty Wind. I'm sure he and Molly are gone. Aw hell, what am I gonna do with 12 gross of these hologram patches with him riding Gaffer?"
Will the Kittys be running only 5 cats strong at 100on100? Will Roquetta return lubed and ready to prance? The Kittys will find out in three weeks' time.
As the most recent recipient of the H.K.A.C. Scholarship for International Outreach and Research, I am writing to express my deepest thanks to this body and to report back to you on my progress and findings. As you know, I spent the last nine months in New Zealand, charged with expanding the international H.K.A.C. fan-base and seeking opportunities for the betterment of H.K.A.C. I am proud to report several successes. While the language barrier presented a significant challenge to the task of recruiting new fans in New Zealand, I was able to identify one potential candidate. This Andrew Lyall Pointon shows great promise, and I would urge this body to move forward in building a relationship with him. Another task that absorbed a significant chunk of my time over this last year was research into new uniform materials and styles. After some trial and error, I feel confident that I was able to strike a significant discovery--a uniform appendage that holds great potential for H.K.A.C. As fan surveys continue to show diminishing excitement rates for our sashes, this 100% pure wool running poncho
appears as a perfect solution. In any event, I look forward to discussing these findings in greater detail during our mandatory team meetings in Boston, May 24-26.