Monday, December 3, 2012

Gaffer 2000 Wins Race...but Chesto Wang is too good a name to leave off the title of the post

(Race winner Gaffer 2000 is viewed giving up the all-liquid diet while flanked by Patricia Cornhole, C.H. Hugglesworth, Madge, and King Sammy.  Missing from photo/still on course: Cadets Bumgurgler and Chesto Wang.)

If 2012 proves to be the year of demise for HKAC, there will be no shortage of reasons why.  Indeed, the world again seemed to tip on its head where Kittys are concerned; this time, the damage was done at the Three Bridges* Marathon in horse country Virginia. 

Per usual, the principals/best characters about which to write were Gaffer 2000 and Chesticles, though they appear in very different forms than we've ever seen them.  (Photo: Gaffer 2000 completes a critical piece of the pre-race liquid diet: nasal lavage.)

For his part, Gaffer won a race, ran a PR (2:52:58), and set the course record.  More impressively, Gaffer used a watch to take mile splits during his record-setting run.  When asked to explain his success, outside of only running once per week and walking "a sh^# ton of miles to the T," Gaffer reasoned, "It's clearly the all-liquid and candy diet.  As you know, I usually drink my dinner.  For the last week, I've been drinking my breakfast and lunch too.  Sierra Nevada in the morning.  Pina-go-lada at noontime.  And supplement it all with candy.  Or a cup or two of maple syrup.  Simple sugars, mmm'kay man!  You gotta eat right to run well!" 

Predictably, some Kittys cited Gaffer's other feats as their lasting memories of the weekend: his earnest description of his swollen gonads to Hugglesworth's mother and a pre-race jog that ended with Gaffer trying to clothe the Kittys' new recruit Patricia Cornhole in a fresh deer carcass.**  

(Below: HKAC newcomer Patricia Cornhole takes instruction from C.H. Hugglesworth on giving a proper Angel Kiss.)

On to Chesticles.  It comes as no surprise that he showed up unannounced at the marathon.  What we did not count on was that the Chesto in question would be a 22 year old VMI Marine named Chesto Wang.***  Wang did display key attributes in common with Chesticles: namely, being told you're not allowed to race but showing up anyway, improper race attire, and entering a marathon with no training.****

Other items of note:
  • C.H. Hugglesworth made sure to not run faster than 2:59:35 even though he was feeling great.  It turns out that Hugglesworth's estimate for the Predict Your Own Time Award was 2:59:59.  "Listen, was it it great to achieve a life goal of running sub-3:00 for a marathon?  I guess.  But what I really want is the damn merch from the award.  So shoot me for running a backwards zigzag for two miles.  God!"
  • King Sammy ran a great 20 mile trainer in the hills of Glastonbury in October.  That run went so well that Sammy decided to leave well enough alone and focus on other pursuits for the intervening 6 weeks leading up to the race.  The result was lots of extra free time and 3:15:13, just a few minutes shy of a PR. 
  • Madge completed the marathon in 3:12:00, without use of his trusty wetsuit or Rec Specs, and with minimal reference to his 1980s hockey heroes.  He cites his mustache for helping to pull him through the last mile. 
* C.H. Hugglesworth reported that he crossed 78 bridges between 7AM and 10AM, and was told each time: "Keep running, you fool!" 
** The crazy part is that this reporter's facts have been checked, and they hold up.
*** I swear his name is Chesto Wang.
**** TAFKA Chesticles shall henceforth be known as: Wang.

(King Sammy displays a team-best finishing kick
whilst Gaffer shows off new-found timepiece skills.)

Scenes from Inaugural West Hartford Relay

Hildy cheers Madge's early morning Gatorade gargle ritual. 

The Kittys deploy a newly trademarked HKAC flypaper trapping system.

M. Knapp, B. Callahan, C. H. Yarsawich, and A. Hildebrand are interviewed by Randi Pluke after the Kittys' victory.