Monday, December 3, 2012

Gaffer 2000 Wins Race...but Chesto Wang is too good a name to leave off the title of the post

(Race winner Gaffer 2000 is viewed giving up the all-liquid diet while flanked by Patricia Cornhole, C.H. Hugglesworth, Madge, and King Sammy.  Missing from photo/still on course: Cadets Bumgurgler and Chesto Wang.)

If 2012 proves to be the year of demise for HKAC, there will be no shortage of reasons why.  Indeed, the world again seemed to tip on its head where Kittys are concerned; this time, the damage was done at the Three Bridges* Marathon in horse country Virginia. 

Per usual, the principals/best characters about which to write were Gaffer 2000 and Chesticles, though they appear in very different forms than we've ever seen them.  (Photo: Gaffer 2000 completes a critical piece of the pre-race liquid diet: nasal lavage.)

For his part, Gaffer won a race, ran a PR (2:52:58), and set the course record.  More impressively, Gaffer used a watch to take mile splits during his record-setting run.  When asked to explain his success, outside of only running once per week and walking "a sh^# ton of miles to the T," Gaffer reasoned, "It's clearly the all-liquid and candy diet.  As you know, I usually drink my dinner.  For the last week, I've been drinking my breakfast and lunch too.  Sierra Nevada in the morning.  Pina-go-lada at noontime.  And supplement it all with candy.  Or a cup or two of maple syrup.  Simple sugars, mmm'kay man!  You gotta eat right to run well!" 

Predictably, some Kittys cited Gaffer's other feats as their lasting memories of the weekend: his earnest description of his swollen gonads to Hugglesworth's mother and a pre-race jog that ended with Gaffer trying to clothe the Kittys' new recruit Patricia Cornhole in a fresh deer carcass.**  

(Below: HKAC newcomer Patricia Cornhole takes instruction from C.H. Hugglesworth on giving a proper Angel Kiss.)

On to Chesticles.  It comes as no surprise that he showed up unannounced at the marathon.  What we did not count on was that the Chesto in question would be a 22 year old VMI Marine named Chesto Wang.***  Wang did display key attributes in common with Chesticles: namely, being told you're not allowed to race but showing up anyway, improper race attire, and entering a marathon with no training.****

Other items of note:
  • C.H. Hugglesworth made sure to not run faster than 2:59:35 even though he was feeling great.  It turns out that Hugglesworth's estimate for the Predict Your Own Time Award was 2:59:59.  "Listen, was it it great to achieve a life goal of running sub-3:00 for a marathon?  I guess.  But what I really want is the damn merch from the award.  So shoot me for running a backwards zigzag for two miles.  God!"
  • King Sammy ran a great 20 mile trainer in the hills of Glastonbury in October.  That run went so well that Sammy decided to leave well enough alone and focus on other pursuits for the intervening 6 weeks leading up to the race.  The result was lots of extra free time and 3:15:13, just a few minutes shy of a PR. 
  • Madge completed the marathon in 3:12:00, without use of his trusty wetsuit or Rec Specs, and with minimal reference to his 1980s hockey heroes.  He cites his mustache for helping to pull him through the last mile. 
* C.H. Hugglesworth reported that he crossed 78 bridges between 7AM and 10AM, and was told each time: "Keep running, you fool!" 
** The crazy part is that this reporter's facts have been checked, and they hold up.
*** I swear his name is Chesto Wang.
**** TAFKA Chesticles shall henceforth be known as: Wang.

(King Sammy displays a team-best finishing kick
whilst Gaffer shows off new-found timepiece skills.)

Scenes from Inaugural West Hartford Relay

Hildy cheers Madge's early morning Gatorade gargle ritual. 

The Kittys deploy a newly trademarked HKAC flypaper trapping system.

M. Knapp, B. Callahan, C. H. Yarsawich, and A. Hildebrand are interviewed by Randi Pluke after the Kittys' victory. 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Chesticles' Hunger Strike Enters Danger Zone

In what was initially thought to be some lighthearted bellyaching over the team forgetting Gaffer 2000's birthday, again, Chesticles today confirmed that the ache in his belly is for realz. 

"Don't get me wrong - I'm mad as hell about Gaffer's birthday too," acknowledged a gaunt Chesticles, "but this really stems from no one being there to receive the baton when I finished my first leg at RTB this weekend.  And so I've gone on a hunger strike in protest."  When reminded, again, that the team made a data-driven strategic shift to 100on100 this year, Chesticles balked. 

"I didn't see that in USA Today.  So I just don't know.  You guys are always hassling me about being there for a good exchange but no one showed!  I waited 30 seconds before I decided to complete the next guy - I think it was Hildy's - leg.  That could only continue like 11 or 12 times before I had to stop and take a break." 

Confronted by the nutritionist C.H. Hugglesworth with results that he's now dropped over 45 pounds in the last two years, Chesticles did admit that performance issues are a consideration in the strike. 

"I'd be lying if I didn't admit that the times keep going down," mused the rawboned harrier.  "I figure if perpetual injury has been my calling card, well then I'd just take myself out of the equation.  See, if there's hardly any of me, then I can't get hurt." 

When asked what it would take for him to end the hunger strike, the ever-diminishing Chesticles had this to say, "I just want some Kitty to be there to grab the stick next Beachtember." 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

New Uniform?

The ski-bib / football half-shirt approach. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Kittys Add Special Sauce to Boston

"I probably got myself in a little trouble with an opening mile of 5:30."

"I figured I'd just walk the two miles from the finish home to Southie. I made it a good distance before blacking out on somebody's stoop."

- Chesticles, 4/16/2012

Surprising though it may be, the Kittys rose from obsolescence to prominence in this year's Boston Marathon. Shortly before the race, it was assumed that no Kittys would enter, because no Kittys run anymore.*

* It is noted that Rocko in fact hammers 45 miles per week on a treadmill/keyboard hybrid, but alas is confined to running in a controlled indoor environment only.

Well, fear not, Kittys. Chesticles certainly left his scent on the field, tapping out a 2:48, good for 19th in the 50-59 age group, in 90 degree haze. He was subsequently spotted doing wrist curls with Olivia "Horst Balls" Chesticles later in the evening.

King Sammy's day in Boston began poorly. He forgot to wear organ-eye-zational attire, and was facing the prospect of hefty sanctions until he took matters into his own hands. At mile 10, he jettisoned a pair of soaked, Rumple-approved Jams, and proceeded through Wellesley, BC, and past thousands of gawking spectators in his Knapp briefs. At the end of the day, when he washed off the stickiness of his 35 consumed Flavor Ice pops, Sammy found himself a mere 8 minutes off his PR.

Well played, Kittys!