Dear Glastonbury Snitizen,
Absent from your recent piece on Brandon Kowloon's performance at the NYC Marathon, as reported by DCC/South G beat reporter Wookie, were the following items of crucial information.
1. Kowloon's proclamation that his race "strategery" arose from the maniacal pursuit tactics of the Jamaican bus driver who ferried he and other "sub-elite" runners to the starting line is patently false. Historical archives will bear out, again, that Kowloon's success lies deep in the running mills of South G. According to HKAC historian Rupples, "He'd come in 1 on 3, and I'd just stone him. Do a little dance, make a little glove. You know. Anyway, then we'd send it back down the river for him to chase. Practice? We talkin' bout practice. That's right."
2. Kowloon was in fact not sanctioned to compete at New York. Through an administrative oversight, Kowloon failed to receive written permishen ("he didn't make his mark huh huh") frum Gaffer 2000 and C.H. Hugglesworth prier 2 competishen. Why iz migh hand riteing starting 2 supher? Anyway, it seems that this failure to comply has landed Kowloon in Kitty Kourt. Typical punishment for such an offense is perpetual renewal of the offender's contractual services to the team, something that HKAC lawyers will be sure to communicate to any potential organization trying to encourage Kowloon to go pro under their name.
3. The final nasty underside of "Kowloon: Beyond the Glory" reveals itself here. In post-race interviews, Kowloon, seemingly in a drunken stupor, jealously tries to shake the camera away from Truddy McBedpan and onto himself. Truddy, looking quite pert in the video footage, was asked about Kowloon's taste for the limelight. "I can't help that the camera likes a little meat on the thighs! Goddamnit!"
So there you have it, Snitizen. Tell your reporters to get their facts straight next time before trying to prop up some local hero.
Below is the text of the story originally reported to the Snitizen.
Hello Snitizen, I am writing to let you know about the performance of South Glastonbury native Brandon Kowloon at the New York City Marathon on Sunday, November 2, 2008. Brandon, a 1999 graduate of GHS, and subsequent graduate of The College of Wooster (it's in Ohio) and UCONN's Neag School of Education, finished 27th in a time of 2:23:25. His pace was 5:28 per mile. His performance is notable for several reasons. Brandon finished ahead of several elite, professional runners, including Nate Jenkins, who finished 7th at the most recent US Olympic Trials marathon. He also finished ahead of Paula Radcliffe, the defending women's champion and a world-class marathoner. Brandon was the 15th American to finish at New York. Brandon teaches history in the Hartford Public Schools. Attached please find a photo of Brandon finishing the Reach the Beach Relay earlier this fall. Thank you. Sincerely, Wookie