I'll Have the Roast Beef (Do You Mind Sending it to Hampton Beach?)

John,

I'm grateful for the invitation, but it looks like a trip west might not be in the cards for me. My scheduling conflict warrants some explanation. In short, your wedding is on the same day as the Reach the Beach Relay. It's a relay-race across New Hampshire. I've competed with the Hello Kitty Athletic Club for the last six years. We're a team of twelve. We mainly make clowns of ourselves and wear a lot of pink (see video at bottom of page). We also run the race. We won in 2006 and 2007. So, the problem is that if I skip the race I have to answer to this guy. He's our team captain. I hope you understand.

Anyhow, in all seriousness, congratulations and best of luck. It will be a great day and I'm sorry that I'll miss it.

Brendan

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Brendan,

So I spent a solid 6 minutes thinking about this, and I think I've come up with a solution that will appease all parties. Contrary to popular belief, we actually have beaches here in northern Ohio, not altogether far from where the wedding and reception will take place. Therefore, a simple redrawing of the race route could have you killing two birds with one stone, as it were. Not only would you be able to participate in the race and bear witness to our betrothal, but the race itself would actually be the figurative vehicle that gets you from there to here, saving you scores of dollars in travel expenses. After all, this is a relay we're talking about, so if you can tack on a few more guys to your team, and as long as you're willing to run the anchor leg--and let's face it that's the only leg of a relay worth running anyway, glory leg that it is--I see no logistical reason why this isn't a resoundingly feasible plan. In fact, right about now I wouldn't be surprised if you were thinking to yourself, echoing a sentiment from Bart Simpson, "I'd be stupid not to do this!"

But, if even your best efforts would not be enough to sway the likes of the race organizers and your motley crew of distance runners, then I understand. I would only kindly ask that you send the rsvp card back to us in the postage-paid envelope provided, so that we can keep a formal accurate count of those planning to attend.

But before you seal that envelope, take a good long moment to think about your decision, knowing that by choosing to not come, you will have to answer to this guy... http://www.mrchiorian.com/nyc09/album/slides/0106_img.html. So just be sure you know what you're in for. If your answer remains the same, then sorry you won't be able to make it. You'll be missed.

-John