Technotronic? Or Chestotronic?

The following message was received at HKAC headquarters early this morning: "Sent on the Sprint Now Network for Blackberry." The sender: Chesticles! What was sent: totally unclear.

Like King Sammy before him, Chesticles has proven highly resistant to this newfangled technology of cellular phones. He does own one, but admittedly must plug it in like a car phone. Coincidentally, it is the same size as his car. Texting, to Chesticles, is a four letter word.

If indeed Chesticles now owns a Blackberry, there will be rampant speculation that he will wield this power over the Kittys for evil purposes. Some, like Garcon, already believe a plan is in place for Chesticles to be able to do work while on long runs. Others believe that gone are the good old days of Chesticles showing up early to RTB; instead now a cloud will hang over the van as work is completed during the race. Johnny Rocket voiced his concern: "I want to go on record that in no way is it acceptable for a Kitty to be thinking about, let alone engaged in work during RTB. You're either with us, or you're not, Chesticles."

Tough talk, indeed. It will be fascinating to see how this situation plays out.

** Don't forget Gaffer 2000's holiday party this weekend, the one I wasn't invited to. With a tagline of: Whores! Whores! Whores! it's got to be good.

An Original

by Chrissy Huggie

Johnny Crotch Rocket

Jocked his rotch in my crocket

What the sprocket,

Fudgie McRocket?

Puss Came Dancing Out of a Barn

As told by Little Hugbottoms and Peter Panders Peckerson, to Brandy Brendy Dingleroot:

The Cock and the Hen

As read by C.H. Hugglesworth, to Prof. Rumplicious, D.M.D.:

A Cherry

As told by Trudy McBedpans to Hey Bear:

A Cherry

As I went through the garden gap,

Who should I meet but Dick Redcap!

A stick in his hand, a stone in his throat -

If you'll tell me this riddle, I'll

give you a groat.

Bobby Shaftoe

As told by Hildo to Johnny Rocko:

Bobby Shaftoe

Bobby Shaftoe's gone to sea,

With silver buckles on his knee:

He'll come back and marry me,

Pretty Bobby Shaftoe!

Bobby Shaftoe's fat and fair,

Combing down his yellow hair;

He's my love everymore,

Pretty Bobby Shaftoe.

Little Pussy

As told by Gaffer 2000, to Senor Hugglesworth Jr. w/ cheese:

Little Pussy

I like little Pussy,

Her coat is so warm,

And if I don't hurt her,

She'll do me no harm;

So I'll not pull her tail,

Nor drive her away,

But Pussy and I

Very gently will play.

The Real Mother Goose

As told by Hugglesworth, to Gaffer 2000, on this holiest of holy holidays:

Clap Handies

Clap, clap handies,

Mammie's wee, wee ain;

Clap, clap handies,

Daddie's comin' hame,

Hame till his bonny wee bit laddie;

Clap, clap handies,

My wee, wee ain.

Be Thankful, Kittys!

It can safely be said that the scariest possible scenario has happened: in the absence of Garcon, Hey Bear, Hug, myself, or other marginally sensible Kittys, Tafka and Vadge appear to have become inseparable training partners.

The recipe: take all of Vadge's crazy conspiracy theory suppository training beliefs and his running thong, add Tafka's maniacal self-flagellation and another dash of rock n roll-infused conspiracy theory, and top it all off with their commonly held core principle that HARD, IMMEDIATE over-the-top miles is the surest way to improvement, if not injury. Result: one cluster-fizzy-lizzy of a turkey day run for the rest of us.

Also in the news: the crack RTB webmaster, Tortoise, has just now placed Trudy McBedpans and his "special" 2009 RTB race hair as the first photo in the homepage slideshow. Look pretty, Kittys!


And lastly, some Thanksgiving directions, courtesy of Johnny Rocket:

http://maps.google.com/maps?q=manchester%2C%20uk&sourceid=ie7&rls=com.microsoft:en-US&oe=utf8&rlz=&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&hl=en&tab=wl

If...Then

Where it is resolved that NBB > BAA at Mayor's Cup, and HKAC > NBB in just kind of an all around sense, then let it be known that HKAC > BAA. And Brandon Kowloon needs to be wearing the right sweater.

USATF NE Champs, 11/8/09, 10k

Brandon Kowloon, 4th, 31:30

Meow Rocket meow meow

Meow meow meow Rocket meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow 10K. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow PR meow meow meow meow. And meow meow meow meow meow meow meow ankle.

Reachtober

Reachtober '09 - Day 1

Time to get stupid

Let's Get It Started, in here...

And the base keep runnin' runnin', and runnin' runnin', and runnin' runnin', and runnin' runnin', and
runnin' runnin', and runnin' runnin', and runnin' runnin', and runnin' runnin', and...

In this context, there's no disrespect, so, when I bust my rhyme, you break your necks.
We got five minutes for us to disconnect, from all intellect collect the rhythm effect.
Obstacles are inefficient, follow your intuition, free your inner soul and break away from tradition.
Coz when we beat out, girl it's pullin without.
You wouldn't believe how we wow sh-t out.
Burn it till it's burned out.
Turn it till it's turned out.
Act up from north, west, east, south.

[Chorus:]
Everybody, everybody, let's get into it.
Get stupid.
Get it started, get it started, get it started.
Let's get it started (ha), let's get it started in here.
Let's get it started (ha), let's get it started in here.

Like a turkey vulture looking for the carcasses

You can't stop
Or I might pass ya
If you slow down
I will outlast ya
But when you're down
You won't find me laughing
Just one question I might ask ya
It might sound like a disaster
Can you make this thing go faster?

Happy B-Day Gaffer 2000...Again

Happy Birthday, Gaffer 2000.

Although Gaffer was knocking on death's door during this leg, his cheering section was in full effect.

Notice the two kids holding up their HKAC patches, rooting him on. What can we say? He has a special way with the kids.

Butters Scotch: A Kitty like me eats chumps like you for breakfast.

The miles are marked in the blood and gold

Where the road is dark and the seed is sowed
Where the gun is cocked and the bullet's cold
Where the miles are marked in the blood and gold
I'll meet you further on up the road.

Got on my dead man's suit and my smilin' skull ring
My lucky graveyard boots and song to sing
I got a song to sing, keep me out of the cold
And I'll meet you further on up the road.

Further on up the road
Further on up the road
Where the way is dark and the night is cold
One sunny mornin' we'll rise I know
And I'll meet you further on up the road.

Now I been out in the desert, just doin' my time
Searchin' through the dust, lookin' for a sign
If there's a light up ahead well brother I don't know
But I got this fever burnin' in my soul
So let's take the good times as they go
And I'll meet you further on up the road.

Smackdown HKAC vs. NBB

Once in a Lifetime

I've got to formulate a plot before I end up in jail or shot
Success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not
Mom, I love you, but this trailer's got to go
I cannot grow old in Salem's lot
So here I go is my shot.
Feet fail me not 'cause maybe the only opportunity that I got

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo

Today from TAFKA

Today, we take a special request for the New Balance team:

And it feels right this time
On his crash course with the big time
Pay no mind to the distant thunder
New day fills his head with wonder, boy

Says it feels right this time
Turned it 'round and found the right line
“Good day to be alive, sir
Good day to be alive,” he says

Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel
Was just a freight train coming your way

From the Doctor: screaming capillaries

Oh sweet lungs don't fail me now
Your burning has turned into fear
That trails me in my every step, I'm moving quick but you're always on my heels

Just one more breath, I beg you please
Just one more step, my knees are weak
My heart is sturdy but it needs you to survive
My heart is sturdy but it needs you

Breathe, don't you want to breathe?
I know that you are strong enough to handle what I need
My capillaries scream, there's nothing left to feed on
My body needs a reason to cross that line
Will you carry me there one more time?

Man I am gonna be SO ready for RTB on the 11th!

Little do da competition know, I'm doin serious altitude training...just in time for the RTB September 11th! I've spent untold amounts of cash on this trip out to the Rockies but it'll be all worth it when I show up the 11th with a week and a half of serious training having been done high into the Rockies... just 4 days before the big competition! Yeah, they'll all be sorry fools when they see me whip by thems and I'm all relaxed and hardly breathin! You know, sometimes you just gotta be smarter than da competition.

See ya'll then!

Hello Kitty/Haute Couture - even in Paris they understand

TAFKA:

My work habit ain't no habit man, I do it on purpose
I push myself to the limit so my talent will surface
So now it's, curtains and drapes, on anybody who hates
Disliking what I'm reciting, biting what I've been writing
I've been dogfighting, scratching and clawing on every height
Trying to make you remember me like you "Remember the Titans"

Training with rocks in your shorts

Have we discovered this mystery man's method for improvement? Interested parties (Hugh-gulls, Madge) want to know.

King Sammy 5k PR - 17:59 (2008)

King Sammy's 5k PR last time he was on a non-HKAC squad - 19:43 (1994)

HKAC: Run any recent races?

King Sammy: Oh, a 5k down here recently.

HKAC: How did it go?

KS: Oh, it was okay, I ran 18:43, so 44 seconds off a PR.

Wife of KS: Tell them you did it with the baby.

KS: Oh yeah, by the way, CKA was with me in the jogger.

Dr. Chesticles

It's not the heat
It's the inhumanity
Plugged into the sweat of a summer street
Machine gun images pass
Like malice through a looking glass

The slackjaw gaze
Of true profanity
Feels more like surrender than defeat
If culture is the curse of the thinking class
If culture is the curse of the thinking class

Ceiling unlimited
World so wide
Turn and turn again

Feeling unlimited
Still unsatisfied
Changes never end

The vacant laugh
Of true insanity
Dressed up in the mask of tragedy
Programmed for the guts and glands
Of idle minds and idle hands

I rest my case...
Or at least my vanity
Dressed up in the mask of comedy
If laughter is a straw for a drowning man
If laughter is a straw for a drowning man

Ceiling unlimited
Windows open wide
Look and look again

Feeling unlimited
Eyes on the prize
Changes never end

Winding like an ancient river
The time is now again

Hope is like an ancient river
The time is now again

New Balance Corporate - A Photo Essay

Shockingly, security was reluctant to grant building access to these two Kittys, Gaffer 2000 having reinterpreted the dress code as: Shiftless Hobo meets State Trooper.

Gaffer 2000 models the freshly purloined NB RTB-edition kicks.

TAFKA Chesticles shares a laugh with NBB leadership, shortly before berating them for the gosh darn flat Coke they allowed to tantalizingly lie fallow in the company fridge.

One of these two "gentlemen" will soon come to regret that this photo exists. Thank you, JB!

And I'll Raise You, Papa 'Stache.

In uniform to boot. And it's not like the person in this photo dressed up special. This is how he lives.

'Stached!

In an odd turn of events, Senor Christopher Saint Hugglesworth, has taken an early lead in the "Dirty Kitty 'Stache" Competition for 2009. "That's right dick-holes. If I'm gonna be the slowest man on the team ya'll better know it's gonna be with the slammin'est 'stache in town. And by town I mean the Dirty Dirty Down South. F all ya'll"

The Guantlet has been thrown... prizes/patches/corvettes up on blocks to the winner.

-Senor Hugglesworth

Report: Secret Weapon Not Dead Yet

Caught off guard in a phone interview yesterday, the wife of erstwhile Kitty Secret Weapon Hildo, Ali G "Hildette" Hildebrand, gave up the proverbial and literal farm: "I think he's running with Brendan."

Team staffer Gaffer confirmed just as much later in the morning, based upon his telepathic conversation with Hildo. "Trust me, dudes," reported Knapp, "That kitty has got cat mint all over his jewels. To say he's raring to go would be an understatement, mmm'kay man?"

After listing "ESP" as his main source, Gaffer's report was met with some speculation. "But it's only early August," lamented C.H. Hugglesworthless from his North Carolina nursery. "The Secret Weapon Training Recipe only calls for two weeks of running before RTB. How the hell am I going to get in shape if I have to start now? What the hell is Hildo doing? He said, 'Only two weeks necessary.' He said it!"

Apprised of Hugglesworthless' comments, Gaffer offered that the team might choose to test Hildo's fitness level by sending him on a Saturday run, solo, with Chesticles. "Let that a**muncher play his mind control games for 19 miles. Hildo will be begging for the good old days of getting banged by me in the back of a Vanagan after running with that dirty whore Chesticles. Seriously, dude."

Hearing the infamous C-word drop, Hacky the Incubatrix chimed in on Chesticles: "Pfffff...unrelenting."

Sensing rare journalistic verbosity from Incubatrix, Gaffer inquired about her personal "situation."

Incubatrix: "Still kittenless."

Gaffer: "You might want to try a sh*t ton of push ups and an oil and vinegar salad to help him along. By the way, great news about Hildo, huh?"

Incubatrix: "He's runnable."

From the Vault: Dirtbags '06

Hey Bear

Chaffee - 7.22.2009 Wakefield, MA 16:53 5k PR

I'll Have the Roast Beef (Do You Mind Sending it to Hampton Beach?)

John,

I'm grateful for the invitation, but it looks like a trip west might not be in the cards for me. My scheduling conflict warrants some explanation. In short, your wedding is on the same day as the Reach the Beach Relay. It's a relay-race across New Hampshire. I've competed with the Hello Kitty Athletic Club for the last six years. We're a team of twelve. We mainly make clowns of ourselves and wear a lot of pink (see video at bottom of page). We also run the race. We won in 2006 and 2007. So, the problem is that if I skip the race I have to answer to this guy. He's our team captain. I hope you understand.

Anyhow, in all seriousness, congratulations and best of luck. It will be a great day and I'm sorry that I'll miss it.

Brendan

-----

Brendan,

So I spent a solid 6 minutes thinking about this, and I think I've come up with a solution that will appease all parties. Contrary to popular belief, we actually have beaches here in northern Ohio, not altogether far from where the wedding and reception will take place. Therefore, a simple redrawing of the race route could have you killing two birds with one stone, as it were. Not only would you be able to participate in the race and bear witness to our betrothal, but the race itself would actually be the figurative vehicle that gets you from there to here, saving you scores of dollars in travel expenses. After all, this is a relay we're talking about, so if you can tack on a few more guys to your team, and as long as you're willing to run the anchor leg--and let's face it that's the only leg of a relay worth running anyway, glory leg that it is--I see no logistical reason why this isn't a resoundingly feasible plan. In fact, right about now I wouldn't be surprised if you were thinking to yourself, echoing a sentiment from Bart Simpson, "I'd be stupid not to do this!"

But, if even your best efforts would not be enough to sway the likes of the race organizers and your motley crew of distance runners, then I understand. I would only kindly ask that you send the rsvp card back to us in the postage-paid envelope provided, so that we can keep a formal accurate count of those planning to attend.

But before you seal that envelope, take a good long moment to think about your decision, knowing that by choosing to not come, you will have to answer to this guy... http://www.mrchiorian.com/nyc09/album/slides/0106_img.html. So just be sure you know what you're in for. If your answer remains the same, then sorry you won't be able to make it. You'll be missed.

-John

Kitty News July 1

Headlines

- Cap'n Donaldo, seen here with the newest Kitty, Bubbles, expects more out of HKAC this year: "I thought Brandon Kowloon could use a new training partner. There's no rest for the weary. By the way, has anyone seen Bubbles' leash?"

- Chaffmaster B, in the last three weeks, has dropped 16:56 in a 5k and 14:22 in a 2.6 miler. Speculation abounds that the lean harrier has also dropped his trademark childbearing hips.

- Rumor has it that HKAC captain Madge is prostituting himself - again. This time, thankfully, Gaffer 2000 is not involved. It seems that Madge will be selling rights to the new 1.99 and 2.20 mile legs of RTB 2009(http://www.rtbrelay.com/pdfs/Combined_Maps_RTB2009.pdf), though inside sources believe he is coveting those distances for himself. In recent organ-eye-zational meetings, Madge has referred openly to a "Paternity Leg" clause, after which he cryptically added, "And by Paternity Leg, I mean that dong on Grady Superstar."

- Due to budget constraints, there will be no Van Plan, vans, or race bibs in 2009. In unrelated news, the new Sash Guide and hot pink "third jerseys" should be ready any day now.

Of Pack Monadnocks and Deuce Cracks

Okay, few things here:
- Yes, that is a Coke tallboy in Chesty's hand, and yes, those jeans are his warm ups and pajamas.
- Vadge isn't drinking coffee. He is drinking his own chaw juice.
- Hey Bear is sporting his trademark post-race blowout look.
- Madge is demonstrating his efficient racing form.
- Nashua is a dump.

Teammate, Pt. 2

Our other teammate - Horst Reingruber.

Happy Meals Bridgewater

Yes, this is our new teammate.

End of an Era; Start of Something Else

'Tis true, Fine Kittys. The Official HKAC Thinking Man's Throne has been trashed ("Trash! Means everything to me"). Dainty Hacky described the demise this way: "The foam split and it started absorbing nasty stuff."

Custom has it that retired Kitty-phenalia be sent to the address of the most recently purchased piece of Kitty property. We were really pulling for rookie Bridge Over Troubled Waters to take that prize, but it seems as though Huggles has gone and leased a trailer. Look out in the mail, Hugger! A housewarming package should be comin' fer 'ew.

Further, on the subject of old endings and new beginnings, looks like Kowloon blew his wad at Kitty Kamp and is done for Boston, while King Sammy is a go, and Chesticles has been struck by lightning and a hankerin' for speed at the Jersey Marathon.

Finally, and most importantly, we would be remiss to not mention the efforts of Garcon and Checklexa, whose 56 hour standing labor frankly makes us all look like the wimps we are, and makes RTB look like a game of shuffleboard (insult intended, Rocket). Welcome to the world, L.E.T., born 4/10/09!

Sign up, Kittys!

Sloppy Rumple... A True Southern Treat!

Saute up some onions. Slice up a couple Sausage McRowley's. Put that in with your onions. Let all that cook for a couple minutes. Now add two cans of BeanTown Baked beans (these things are hard to find in the south) . Crack five eggs over the top. It helps to make little eggy divets in the Beans to help keep them in place. Now bake the whole damn thing in the oven for 30 minutes at 350. Serve your Sloppy Rumple on tortillas or toast.

Man... That's some good eatin'. Specially in "these economic times."
Totaly Sloppy Rumple cost: $1.83 (some wandering Mexicans gave us tortillas and now that backyard chickens are legal in Durham eggs cost nothin' cept a little backyard stink.)

This is why Hildo is the Assistant Team Captain of Ambassadorial Duties

Assistant Team Captain of Punctuality

"He once climbed ten thousand feet in under two minutes"

M 5k H02 5k | 2009 BU Valentine Invitational on Flotrack

Posted using ShareThis

Kowloon...Eatin' It Out From the Back Side!

"Brandon Kowloon is a retard!' Quoth Senor Hugglesworth at a recent meeting of the Regional Association of Assistants to the Assistant to the Team Captains of Team Spirit(s)! "If that guy had listened to me the first time he would've been Eatin' it Out from the Backside that whole damn time, instead brown cappin' and making the rest of us look bad." Kowloon's recent "accolades" at the "valetine's day" "invitational" "race" can only be accounted to one thing. Team Chef, Russ "Sloppy" Rumple had this to say. "Kowloon's no friend of mine! Get outta my face. I guess he did ok. It's probably cuz the man races like he does dishes...like he's gonna get a whipin' if he doesn't get it done quick. Which he will...where the hell is that guy anyhow?"
Recently Gaffer 2000 who made his live TV debut on the Oprah Winfrey show claiming to have discovered the "Ancient City of the Lord Gaffer" had this to say "Now that I can live happily in the town limits of "Gay"
I've got all the lovin' that I need. No more will I have to father illegitimate love children with that whore of a father we call "Hugglesworth" By the way have you seen "WeeHug's Dong? That things a Monster!! Kowloon should be ready for some serious "Backside Eatin' if he expects to make HKAC 2009! I account his recent performance to one thing...It's all that back side eatin' that he does! That's what it is. Back Side Eatin'!"

A Poet Among Us

Metallica's Revenge by Kitty Kitten


There once whaled a wookie named (s)Anders,
t'whose whims brawny Vag often panders.
But when puck upon ice
crafts a slippery vice,
Quoth Chest(y): "Have ye Kitties no standards?"

HUG BOT 2000: Only a Matter of Time

Quoth Gaffer 2000: "You go stickin' yer hand in the cookie jar too many times, yer bound to git caught.  Mmmm'kay, you know what I mean?"  

Yes, Kitty Nation, it appears that there are now questions about who Wee Hug's other parent really is, with the recent unveiling of the HUG BOT 2000 clothing line putting the cards right there on the table.  It seems that Hugglesworth is carrying Gaffer 2000's love seed steed - HUG BOT 2000.

"Surprised?  No, I can't say as though I'm surprised," said Hildo.  "I've watched Gaffer 2000 pretty much have his way with Hugglesworth for 5 years now.  I mean, that bench bunk in the Vanagan - I'm surprised that didn't do it right there.  He was skull-humping the hell out of him back there.  Hey, it's just one Angel Kiss too many as far as I'm concerned."  

Johnny Rocket had this to say when it was suggested that the illicit impregnation was a result of a cavalier attitude toward his patented Angel Kiss.  "Listen, I've got a professional shuffleboard tour to look after here.  I'm very busy.  I can't always be watching what a couple of dumb kids are doing in the back of a van.  You can't blame me because they didn't know how to do it the right way."  

Stay tuned for details on the upcoming mid-winter/early spring HKAC Classic, which this year will feature an Angel Kiss Safety Workshop.  To sign up, please contact Assistant Team Sub-Captain of Procedures, Rectitude and Family Planning, Brandon Kowloon.  

Chesticles: 'Not On My Watch'

"I just have to question his training methods is all," remarked Chesticles, when apprised by Hey Bear that the Wookie was devoting much of the Sunday morning exercise block to this newfangled sport, hockey.

"Huh huh hey huh," replied Gaffer 2000. "Besides, I see this hockeying and I think about what Chocolate Jesus told me - who among us doesn't have unorthodox training methods? Hey man, hold my Vapo-Rub and Vitamin E capsules for a minute. Mmm'kay?"

"If he wants to avoid long-term injury, he needs to be out here pounding it more consistently. That's what I'm saying," continued Chesticles. "In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he gets another late start on training this year, dragging us all through the 'will he/won't he' game. It'll be a miracle if he makes it to the starting line in September. So don't go encouraging him!"