[Editor's note: This Brandon Kowloon press release originally appeared in a 2006 team e-mail, but may as well have been written this year.]
Friday, January 20, 2006
[Gaffer 2000] Injures Left Foot Kicking Service Area Toilet, May Miss 2006 RTB
NATICK, Ma. -- Gaffer 2000, member of the Hello Kitty Racing Team, fractured seven bones in his right foot Wednesday night in the act of kicking a toilet at a Massachusetts Turnpike service area en route from Niagara Falls to Boston. Damages to the facility were estimated at $900, but for Hello Kitty, they are unquantifiable.
The injury will certainly derail Gaffer's winter training and may leave him on the sidelines for the annual Reach the Beach Relay Race in September.The injury occurred after Gaffer completed a bowel movement in the Natick service area restroom. Incensed by the automatic flush feature, Gaffer lashed out, kicking the toilet at least six times, according to witnesses.
Gaffer read this prepared statement at a press conference yesterday afternoon: "I usually like to inspect my poo after leaving it in the bowl, but with the auto-flush, as soon as you turn around to look at the poo, it's gone. Usually I take the wife in to the facility with me, and we have a system whereby she will engage the sensor, as I amstanding up, to prevent the auto-flush. This way I can inspect my poo.On this occasion, however, the wife was off at the service area's Cinnabon kiosk buying two cinnabons for me. I thought I would be ableto contort my body such that, leaving my left foot on the seat, I could spin around and take a good look at my poo. This technique has been effective at several rest areas on the New York Thruway, but as soon as I put my left foot up, the water turned and my poo disappeared. I was really upset, because I had had corn and beets for breakfast. Anyhow, I just get so tired of the auto-flush. I don't think people appreciate or respect people's needs, especially when travelling, to inspect their poo. It's very important. Especially when travelling."
Asked about the extent of the injury, Gaffer responded, "I didn't even know there were seven bones in my foot. I figured it was just a foot, you know. One foot, one bone, right?"
Asked if he were employed as a public school science teacher, Gaffer declined comment and excused himself from the press conference. Teammates could not be reached for comment by press time.
